Four Time John Sheppard Almost Lost Rodney McKay
by Casteline
Summary: And the One Time He Did


**The Four Times John Sheppard Almost Lost Rodney McKay (And the One Time He Did)

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_1.) Hide and Seek_

John is fairly certain that life without Rodney would be much simpler. He is a cocky, arrogant pain in the ass scientist. One he could do without.

So when McKay runs around asking for someone to shoot him, John hesitates only for a moment, debating just how much trouble he'll be in when Elizabeth finds out. Under virtually no protest, John shoot's him in the leg.

And when nothing happens, he agrees to shove him over the balcony. Partially because he is curious as to just how well this thing works, partially because he's hoping that the device will malfunction halfway down and the astrophysicist will die.

Which he realizes is highly improbable because it isn't a very long drop. But at the very least he could end up in the infirmary for a while.

But, of course, he survives the fall and John only narrowly escapes a lecture from Elizabeth.

When device finally comes off (because McKay is a coward), John debates throwing him off another balcony.

He doesn't, of course, because there are more pressing issues.

But when John turns around and McKay is gone, walking down into the darkness, John kinda hopes that maybe the guy won't die.

And when the darkness disappears into the gate and Rodney is lying on the ground, John is fairly certain he is dead and all he can think is…

_Oh shit_.

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_2.) Primitives_

John hates primitive planets. He realizes that it's an unfair judgment, seeing that everyone has to start off somewhere. But he really does hate them. They aren't very bright, and while he's all for sticking up for the helpless, some people are just _dumb._

Like when they can't tell the difference between the evil Wraith, and curious humans.

Where those damned people had gotten guns, John could only speculate, but he was fairly certain that if someone had run a diagnostic on the bullets and found that they came from Genii weapons, he wouldn't be surprised.

As he changes out of his clothing from the mission and into the Atlantis version of civvies, he realizes just how lucky he was. His vest was riddled with bullets, stopped inches from his chest by a thin sheet of Kevlar.

Then he thinks about Rodney, who is lying in a bloody mess in the infirmary, being operated on my Beckett. Every bullet had missed the vest and John can't help but wonder…

_Why had he been the lucky one?_

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_3.) Tao of Rodney_

When Rodney is first attacked by the Ancient device, John is only slightly worried. The doc said everything was okay, and Rodney was acting perfectly normal, just as annoying as ever.

But he was still worried.

Because it was an Ancient device, and they had a track record he knew better than to ignore.

But when Elizabeth realized the full extent of what the machine was designed to do, and when Rodney started to have symptoms that could only mean bad things…

Then he was really worried.

When Elizabeth asks him to help Rodney attempt to ascend, he says yes. Because if there is even a chance that he can ascend, John wants t make sure that he has it. Because if he ascends, he can come back. And if he can't ascend…

Well, at least he would have had time to say goodbye.

And when they are rushing back to that godforsaken device, Beckett convinced that he can save the scientist, John makes himself a promise…

He swears to himself, that if this works, when this works, he'll tell Rodney.

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_4.) The Shrine_

Of course, he never does, because John was terrible at keeping promises, especially to himself.

It wasn't as though he hadn't wanted to tell Rodney.

Because he did.

But he could never find the time, never find the words.

When Rodney starts showing symptoms of what Teyla and Ronon call 'second childhood', John debates telling him then, because this isn't something that people generally come back from.

But by the time he works up the courage to, it's too late, Rodney is too far gone to understand.

Rodney kept trying to say goodbye, but John wouldn't hear of it. He knew that this hurt Rodney, but Rodney had to know that this was hurting John too.

What Rodney didn't understand was that John couldn't say goodbye. Because the moment he did, it meant giving in. And he hadn't reached that point yet. The only thing that kept him going, the only thing that let him sleep at night, the only reason he woke up in the morning, was knowing that Rodney still had a chance.

And every day when he would see Rodney, when he would see how much his best friend had changed, even just over night, he would tell himself…

When… not if, when, when Rodney got better, he would tell him.

Because he can't keep doing this. He can't keep pretending. He can't keep chickening out.

And Rodney does get better, just as John had told himself he would.

But John never says a word.

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_5.) Enemy at the Gate_

It occurs to John, as they stand out on the balcony, staring out at the Pacific Ocean, that he is an idiot.

Because there they are, Ronon, Teyla, Rodney, Woolsey, Amelia, Kellar and himself, standing on the pier, on Atlantis, on Earth…

Ronon is smiling at Amelia in a way that he's never seen Ronon smile…

And Rodney has his arm around Kellar and they're happy and _god_ he hates her sometimes. He hates Rodney for loving her, and he hates her because he loves her.

But mostly he hates himself because he's an idiot.

Because all this time he's been worrying about Rodney getting the life sucked out of him, or getting shot, or getting on the wrong end of an Ancient device or getting infected by a mysterious Pegasus bug…

Because all this time he's been worrying about the obvious enemies, he's completely overlooked the worst of them all.

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Let me know what you think : )


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